It is hard to be strong when you see the person who is your everything, slowly getting weak.

A lot has happened to me. Or around me to be specific. Between me and my NIE friends and me and my mum.

Let's start with my NIE friends. I don't know what's the actual problem really is. I'm not sure who is the problem. I'm like the middle man right now. And it makes me feel weird. It's like I'm neither here nor there with the 2 parties. My group of friends has a problem with one of my other friend, S. Ok the thing is, I have a problem with S as well. It's her attitude that I can't stand. So right now my group of friends is avoiding this S as much as possible. And I had no choice but to be with S because I'm doing a lot of projects with her. So I'm trying really hard to have a decent relationship with S because of my projects.

I don't know. Everything is just so childish I don't even know what to say.

I'm just tired of being attached to someone. It always left me disappointed.

I just had to write it here. Ok so what is this seriously??

Last year, when I saw the Mrt guy and his 'girlfriend', it was in the month of June. 8th of June to be exact. You can check my post on 10 June 2012. I saw him at Northpoint's foodcourt. And today, 19th of June 2013, I saw him again. This time at Causeway Point's foodcourt. Same month. 1 year later. Same location. Coincidence? Ok fine.

But I felt something weird. I checked something and shit!! My sec sch crush messaged me through FB yesterday, 18th of June 2013. And guess what? I checked and he messaged me through FB on 7th of June 2012, the day before I saw Mrt guy. WHAT IS THISSSS!!!

The same thing happened. My friend message me and the next day I saw Mrt guy. Is this really coincidence then?? And it's on the same month for God's sake!! I don't even know what to think seriously.

People might think that I'm being ridiculous. Like how can a stranger have this kind of effect on me. How can I feel this sad when I don't even know him. But that's just it. He is a stranger I have known for 4 years. For 4 years he has been in my mind. Never once did I forget about him. Seeing him now may not have an instantaneous effect on me, but I do feel different a few hours after. The heaviness in my heart. It hurts. It really does. I don't know if I should believe in miracles anymore. Should I still hope for him? No. I probably shouldn't.

Something doesn't feel right. It's as though there's something bothering me. But seriously I have no idea what it is. My heart don't feel good. It feels so heavy. I suddenly scream for no apparent reason. I feel frustrated about what, I have no idea. Suddenly I feel like crying. Something's wrong isn't it? But what? My essays are not that demanding as of now. Is it him then? No, that can't be right. It's not him.

Oh god my heart seriously feel heavy and uncomfortable...

It's just so freaking infuriating when people just don't understand what we're going through. Why the hell do you think I refuse to let my mum rent out our house and live with my aunt? I've said enough. I want my own personal space. Some people just don't freaking understand and so damn selfish. The same way you're thinking about your own benefit, I am too. Don't expect me to follow your decision just so YOU can live better. This is MY life. MINE. I have every right to live the way I want. SO STOP MAKING DECISION FOR ME.

Everything is so screwed up right now. I didn't know my journey to be a teacher could create so many problems. And I can't even back out now.

Is it my fault that I refused to have my house being rented out again? It's easy for people to ask me to just rent out my house, solve the freaking problem. But they don't know how I feel. THEY are not the one living in someone else's house. It's really not because I don't like living with my aunt and grandma. It's just different you know. Living in your own house, able to do whatever you want, to say whatever you want, to let out all the feelings you feel without being afraid of hurting other people's feelings. Is it really too much to ask? I really feel caged being in someone else's house. I don't want to go through that again. Can you just please understand?